Monday, December 10, 2007

Don't be that guy

(Note: I edited this post like a day after I posted it because it felt a little bit like an overshare. The main idea, however, is still intact.)

I knew a guy in college and he was a DICK. It was clear to me that he hated women. He was always making rude comments and inappropriate jokes and all the guys would laugh and think he was being so risqué. No one ever said anything when he crossed the line, probably because none of the guys wanted to be that guy, the one who looks like a pussy. Or maybe they thought he was just kidding and didn't really believe all the stupid shit he said.

(What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing! You already told her twice! Ha!)

Then one night after a bunch of us went out to the bars, he somehow made it back to my dorm room. (No wonder college age women are at the highest risk of sexual assault!) I try to give everyone a fair shake, even if it's obvious that they suck at life, so we chatted for a while. When I was ready to go to sleep, and for him to leave, he decided that he wanted to stick around. Things got ugly and I ended up having to physically fight him to get him out of my room. Ugh what a douchebag.

No harm done, however. I'm tough.

The thing is, this fuckstick never should've been going out with us at all. I didn't like him one bit and neither did most of the guys I knew. But he persisted in being his douchey self and everyone else persisted in not telling him that he was a misogynist asshole.

So imagine my delight when in my Google Reader appears a perfect blog post with everything I've ever thought to say to those guys who don't want to be seen as that guy. Here is a small excerpt, although it's really worth it to read the whole thing - and then forward to like everyone you know.

"‘Cause the thing is, you and the guys you hang out with may not really mean anything by it when you talk about crazy bitches and dumb sluts and heh-heh-I’d-hit-that and you just can’t reason with them and you can’t live with ‘em can’t shoot ‘em and she’s obviously only dressed like that because she wants to get laid and if they can’t stand the heat they should get out of the kitchen and if they can’t play by the rules they don’t belong here and if they can’t take a little teasing they should quit and heh heh they’re only good for fucking and cleaning and they’re not fit to be leaders and they’re too emotional to run a business and they just want to get their hands on our money and if they’d just stop overreacting and telling themselves they’re victims they’d realize they actually have all the power in this society and white men aren’t even allowed to do anything anymore and and and…

I get that you don’t really mean that shit. I get that you’re just talking out your ass."

From Shapely Prose via Zombie Z.

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Geoff said...

I hope you didn't perpetuate his misogyny by not reporting the incident.

everylifematters said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and I just have to speak up now. I am so sorry this happened to you, but I really feel the Lord calling me to tell you that there is a way to change all this.

I can tell you have a lot of pain in your life and I know it's hard to admit. He can take it away if you just let him. Just talk to him and tell him what's on your mind. He's a great listener and He'll always be there for you.

Hops said...

I hate to disappoint you both, but I will. No Geoff, I didn't report anything because well, it just didn't seem like a big deal at the time.

ELM - Thanks so much for reading! I'm sorry to say, but the Lord and I have broken up and I don't see us getting back together in the future. I hope you'll find that although we disagree on the inspiration, we can find common ground in good humanity.

Michael T said...

Hey, I wish his behavior had been completely rejected every time, it's true. However, I still think that black eye joke is funny. I really wish I didn't. I've taken to repeating the phrase "I don't think that's appropriate" a lot these days, because I hang out with people who so obviously don't have that voice in their head. I think you're right, that condoning it is horrible. I mean--if you're going to tell a joke like that, you have to spend less time laughing than you do reassuring everyone that you think it's a serious issue and shouldn't really be funny. And he never would. And maybe even then, it's not appropriate.

By the way--sorry you had to fight him off. (Is this secretly the story of our Moose Club adventure?)

Much love from a guy who read zombie z's website with pleasure and is making a conscious effort to be unequivocally PC.

Anonymous said...

Two Buddhist monks were walking beside a river one day when they came upon a woman. The woman needed to cross the river and asked the monks if one of them would kindly carry her over to the other side. Now these monks were expressly forbidden to interact with women according to the rules of their monastery, but one of the monks picked her up and carried her across the river anyway while the other looked on in shock.

As the two monks walked along and continued their conversation, the monk who had looked on asked his companion, "Why did you help that woman?"

The other responded, "I put her down when I crossed the river. You are the one still carrying her."

Hops said...

Michael: I may start stealing that phrase. In my head I'm usually thinking "WTF are you out of your damn mind?" and so a simple, calm, "I don't think that's appropriate" would be nice to say out loud.

Beetle: You always come up with a beautiful way to say whatever I'm thinking. Can I use you personally refine all my thoughts before they come tumbling awkwardly out of my mouth?

Anonymous said...

Anything's possible for a nominal fee. Buddhist wisdom doesn't come cheap these days.

Ugly Stepsister said...

I hope you know that letting him hang out in your dorm room doesn't put any blame on you. He sounds like a real jerk anyway.