Saturday, December 15, 2007

Talking to myself

I'm 22, just a babe really. Or so I like to think. Sometimes I get caught in a moment where I remember something from years ago and then think, I can't believe I even have memories from years ago! I recently got my high school's newsletter in the mail, complete with donation request. First, I'm just incredulous that I graduated 4 and 1/2 years ago and second, they must be crazy to ask me for money fresh out of college. I don't even know how they found my address, but anyway.

I started thinking of everyone I used to know. It was really weird. Then remembered how NOT a good human I was. Ugh! High school girls are such bitches and I was no exception. And so if I could talk to my 17 year old self, this is what I would say:

  • Dump him. You're way better and he's dragging you down. I promise you'll find someone awesome in a couple years.

  • Also, the way you dumped that kid sophomore year was entirely too harsh, bordering on cruel. On his birthday? In front of all his friends? BITCH! (But ohhhhh so satisfyingly funny. He was pretty creepy.)
  • Remember how you sometimes felt the need to bust your ass to get an A when a B would've been just fine? SUCH A WASTE OF TIME. You'll make the same mistake in college. You'll know by then that your GPA is pointless, but that's not going to stop you.
  • Lay off the fucking partying! Christ! What are you even trying to prove?

  • Just kidding. You're not hurting anyone. In fact, you still look back on your 17th birthday with furtive exhilaration.

  • I totally can't believe you got away with writing that in the yearbook! Also, he gets fired anyway.

  • Take a good look around. You'll be back exactly twice after you go off to school and if you ever think about giving up and coming home, this is where you'll probably end up. We both know you can do better.

  • Your sister turns out way hotter than you. Sorry, but if you think you're jealous of all the attention she gets now, you're definitely in for it later.
  • Swimming in the lake turns out to be way more fun wearing all your clothes than anybody thought. You'll regret that you didn't do it enough.
  • Stop ignoring all your friends when you get a boyfriend. It's a really shitty thing to do and they WILL get mad about it.

  • Some people will always be douchebags. You don't have be.

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Michael T said...

Good idea. Maybe I'll write a letter to my past self, too.

Proof of good humanity: you would no longer be funny as a main character in Mean Girls.

Ugly Stepsister said...

My younger sister is so much prettier than I am too. She's also dumb as a box of rocks, so I guess we even out.

What did you write in the yearbook?

Hops said...

Thanks Michael! I like to think that the Mean Girls grow up to be something like me.

Stepsister, it's good for me to know that I'm not alone.

In part of my dedication, I wrote that one of my teachers was a prick. Not exactly revolutionary, I know, but he really was a total prick. I was glad to hear that he got canned a year later.